Why the heck not?

I have nothing new to report about my wandering zygotes (imagined or real).  We started to imagine what life will be like once the babies are real (I think there are two). What will Cape Cod be like with them? What will my OCD be like when there are baby messes? Will I be jealous when Nick is better at parenting because he's patient and calm, while I'm controlling and anxious.

There are the other what-ifs that can't be avoided.  Like what if they are not really there and all of the tests will be negative.  Then what the heck? I'm superstitiously not making that plan yet, intending not to need it.  It's only a few more days til we know for sure anyway.

It gets weird!

So I haven't updated since last week, because things have gotten weird, and I started to feel weird!  Like maybe this is too private.  Or maybe let's not mention that because it's getting too close, getting too real, y'all. But then again, weird, private, close and real are also interesting, am I right? So this has been the last week (nothing too embarassing):

• Last Friday: Ultrasound shows big ol' follicles, blood work shows major jump in hormones, Dr. says, "Let's get this party started!" But the doctor wasn't invited to the party.  AWKWARD.
• Saturday: Took Ovidrel trigger shot. This causes the follicles to grow a little bit more and then release out into that wild wet yonder. I had extremely vivid dreams of floating in the ocean for three days after.
• Sunday: Weird, what's going on in my belly?  I'm sleepy.
• Monday: Oh Jesus, *&%$, I'M EXPLODING OW OW OW OW (By the way this all seems to be totally normal, no worries.)
• Tuesday: I just needed to rest from that crazy abdominal work out from the day before.
• Wednesday-Friday: Well, it's just weird. I feel weird. That's as far as I can explain at this point without having to retract later!

Here's an interesting bit of trivia: that trigger shot which causes ovulation contains the same hormone which is measured by home pregnancy tests. So after you take the trigger shot you can get a fake positive on a home pregnancy test, just for the fun of it. Of course you have to wait at least until the end of next week to take a valid test, and even then your husband will not believe it until the doctor confirms it with a blood test.

What a difference a week makes

Not even a week, actually.  Since Friday, there has been a whole lot of activity up in these egg baskets.

Today, ultrasound showed 5 or 6 measurable follicles, though they are soooooo slooooow. My estradiol level is up to 493. That is meteoric. They even lowered my dose of Gonal F to 150 IU until I go back on Friday.

Outside the safety of my innards, you know what all those hormones will get you?  Not wanting to live with me!  Last night I told Nick that I didn't think I could stop crying, and he advised me to get some water and stay hydrated.  Teamwork!

Stick it

After I bitch, rant, and moan about being too busy/overwhelmed and having to work on Saturday, my therapist deadpans, "So the hormones are working." She also would not give me a diagnosis of "Too Delicate to Work."

So acupuncture was like a million rainbow beams of awesome! I'm not sure what all happened, but there were a bunch of needles and then I fell asleep for at least an hour. That was, seriously, the most therapeutic thing that has happened to me all week. The needles create a sort of restraint because you can't move and risk sticking yourself all willy nilly.  So I'm wondering if I wouldn't benefit from a weekly nap with some mild immobilization.  But I enjoyed all the Chinese medicine talk and herbalism stuff too. I think they said we need to get my liver chi moving. I'm not making fun. Moving energy around and getting rid of tension will make this fertility process so much better for me.

Nothing new going on in my ovaries as of this morning's ultrasound.  Estrogen levels are still rising, though, which I think indicates there's something inside me that is trying to cooperate.  Going back Monday.

Busy

This business takes a lot of time.  Tomorrow is my day off, but not really.  I have an 8 a.m. appointment for an ultrasound and bloodwork, 11 a.m. appointment for acupuncture, 1:40 p.m. appointment for therapy, and I have to pick up my medication from FedEx whenever it arrives.  And maybe go to the grocery store for extra-organic food that won't toxify me? I think the Oreos I had for breakfast were only organic in the carbon-based sense, and were very toxic.

State of affairs right now is I'm injecting 225 IU of Gonal F daily, feel nauseated pretty constantly, and my hair is falling out. But I'm not mad! I still have a good appetite a few times a day, and I will shave my head if I have to. Oh and there's random crying, but that's just comedy.  Seriously.

The one that wasn't

Background: I am in the middle (beginning? who knows?) of an injectable cycle (Gonal F) to induce follicle growth. Having ultrasounds and blood work every few days to check progress.

Deep background: This is the latest after a bunch of rounds of Clomid which I had zero response to, except some super-awful side effects!

Abyss background: We have been trying to get pregnant for about 7 years, but I have PCOS and seem to be better suited to creating vision boards than human beings. It's personal, I'm going to try to be serious.  This year may be the year that we exhaust our options, and I find myself needing to vent about it a lot. 

Today's Update: I had my 7:30 Ultrasound and blood work.  It's nice they can see me so early because I can usually get to work on time. See, no one at work knows what I'm up to, and it's none of their business.  However this process is ALL CONSUMING so it is hard to keep that secret and keep my poker face for months and months.

Anyhow, today, not so good news.  This little follicle we've been watching for a week and a half is kaput. "It's getting smaller and I don't think it's going to ovulate," the doctor said. (She's pregnant so that must be good luck, right? Good hormones?) So we just keep injecting and injecting til more follicles wake up and grow. The doctors have promised me they will get me to ovulate, we just don't know how many weeks, expensive orders of medication it will take.  I have to stop dwelling on the cost, Nick says it's ok.